It Is What It Is

This is a long one...

I've been asked many times how I have the time to blog. Everyone has downtime, it's all about how you choose to use it. People might wonder why I'm on the computer blogging instead of hanging out with husband. The truth...it's 7:45, both girls are asleep and husband is on his way to an 8:00 meeting at AA .

Gregg is an alcoholic. Not the abusive, violent, wife-beating kind (that my biological father was). But rather, the sneaky, I can handle -it, random binge drinking kind.

Of course I knew this when I married him. I knowing went into this. When Gregg and I were 1st dating, we'd watch a movie and he'd go through a 6pack. I'd be like, "hello, you are just drinking to be drinking - you are not even thirsty." When we first dated the summer of '97, we dated for three months. We broke up for a year and got back together in Oct. of '98. We didn't break up b/c of his drinking ~ there was other "trash in the past" that he had to deal with.

When we got back together, we knew it was for GOOD. We had "made it" and it was just meant to be. But soon after, I found out about a DWI he had gotten the summer we had dated. Soon, after that he got another one. So here we are were engaged, paying money for his probation and he was attending mandatory AA meetings. At one point I even went to an Al-Ala-non meeting but just once.

In an effort to quit the habit before our wedding, Gregg started drinking non-alcoholic beer. That seemed to work or so I thought (led to think). We got married in March 2000, I was teaching and Gregg was still in school studying for a degree in engineering with supposedly one year left. One day in May, I came home from work and found Gregg drunk (he should've been at Lowe's at 4) and then he proceeded to tell me that he had quit school that day. WHAT!!! I was livid for both reasons as you can imagine. Yes, it was ultimately his choice to quit school. I could not go take those classes for him and I sure didn't want him taking out any more student loans! He said he'd work his way up w/Lowe's and one day he'd be a store manager and I wouldn't have to work. (Ok, he was right about that one...)

Here's the timeline: Gregg was Valedictorian of his high school class of '92(55 people)and got a major 4-yr chemical engineering scholarship to A&M. His mom passed away from cancer the end of his freshman year. Then started the heavy drinking "because at this point he didn't have to be responsible to anyone". Once his scholarship ended, he basically became a "recluse" and sat at home and drank and went to the bars and drank. He ran out of all money possible, had to get his 1st job ever at 23 at Lowe's. Within a week, I started and the rest is history.

Things were drastically better when we left Aggieland in 2001 (and the bar scene and drinking buddies). We moved to San Antonio and that is where Macy was born in 2003. Of course I wanted the drinking to be 100% gone before we brought a innocent child into this. But, I hadn't mentioned that Gregg had also quit smoking (through a study before we were married) and we were still battling the dipping. Yes, he used to smoke and dip "back in the day". With the baby coming, my biggest issue was the lying. I was going to be damned if he would ever lie to our child.

But that is Gregg's baggage ~ he was TAUGHT to lie. He was raised by a manic-depressive father and his mother that literally worked herself to death to make ends meet for their 3 kids. Gregg's dad basically has not worked since Gregg was 3 years old. Gregg was raised to lie to "keep the peace". Lie to his little sisters about how bad things really was. In the 3rd grade, not telling his mother that a skunk sprayed his shoe b/c they couldn't afford new ones. So, he wore his skunky shoes until his mother found out. Many sad stories there. You see why Gregg went nuts after his mom died?? He had been the "man of the house" beginning at 3 years old!

Since Macy was born, the only drinking had been when he's been out of town (on business). (Starting to leave out details b/c I'm getting tired) We moved to the city from Temple so no more traveling! The big Lowe's annual sales meeting in Feb (now in Vegas - ugh) has been our biggest trial. He went in 2005 and 2007 (Paige was born in Feb. 2006 so he missed that one -whew!) Both times, I am psycho momma tracking him down after he didn't call to say goodnight (immediate red flag). I'm thinking, he is going to lose his JOB b/c of this addiction!

Then the most recent event back in April. We started going to our new church in March and joined our homegroup soon after. It was our turn to host one Sunday night in April. But, Gregg had already had free tickets to go to the "Race". So, ok - prior engagement, I could do homegroup by myself. Seriously, I was making my taco and the phone rang in a kitchen full of my new, Christian friends. Kids running around, Paige in the highchair, people making their plates. I'm like, "hello, are you on your way home?" He started to tell me how the traffic was so bad they had to spend the night. I didn't have to "listen to how his voice sounded" b/c he was telling me insane, drunkin' stories that I had to leave the room of my guests and hungry baby to decipher. All I could do is just pray that he and his friend got home safely b/c I didn't know what was going on or who was driving.

I immediately went out and told my homegroup what had happened. And this is the deal. You get to know us, it comes out. Gregg's alcoholism is not in any way a secret. It is a fact. Gregg could care less if I drank but I have no desire to. We'd get together with our neighbors in Temple and potluck and they'd BYOB. Gregg would have Dr. Pepper. People at 1st assumed that we were just religious. We are but not prudes! So, we are not the people to invite to wine tasting etc...

Back to that night. Homegroup left and I quickly got the girls to bed before Gregg stumbled home. I had barely got Paige down and Gregg and his friend pulled up. My reaction - just get inside and take a shower. I stood outside and talked to his friend. I looked in the bed of the truck and there is a grill and found out that they had tailgated! Hello, this binge was PLANNED! Sneak, lie, drink.

Come to find out - Gregg was missing for like 7 hrs. Like he went and passed out somewhere and his friend couldn't find him. They finally found each other in the parking lot.

This is the worst ever with Gregg. When we talked the next day, he said he has never gone that long with time not accounted for. That really scared him. What really freaked him out more is I told him when I came inside, he was rocking Paige. So my drunkin' husband was rocking my precious baby. In the past, I would've demanded answers right then and there. But I told him to go to bed. I thought I was "handling" things better by not having the explosive reaction I've had in the past But, you see, with Gregg, I've been through all of the emotional tactics with all of his addictions - crying, begging, screaming, hitting, repeat and repeat. Then a friend said that when there is no reaction - numbness - that is the worst of all.

It was decided that Gregg would try AA. Recall, he had to do it 8 years before. He always stated that "AA wasn't for people like him - he didn't need to hash his problems." I accepted that at the time b/c Gregg is not a kum-ba-ya, let's hold hands and love each other kind of guy. We also decided to see a Christian therapist, Judy, as a couple. She told Gregg straight up, that he needed to be taking care of his drinking at AA on his own and counseling wasn't for the drinking - but our communication.

Gregg immediately started AA and a general addiction support group through our church. He goes to 8:00 meetings so that doesn't take away from family time and we get the girls down early so I don't have any inconvenience of him being gone. He has a sponsor that he meets with weekly as well to go through the Big Book. So, Gregg is gone Tues, Thurs and Friday nights. He is just doing AA now b/c the church group was at 7:00.

He has been sober for six months now. He was surprised how spiritually based AA is. He is leaning on God and not himself to guide him. I have really seen such a change in him.

Gregg just got home and read over this post. He knew I was going to post it and he is not in the least bit embarrassed or ashamed. Alcoholism is apart of who we are both as individuals and as a couple. Gregg is a terrific public speaker and he can see him self as a mentor one day or a guest speaker. AA will be apart of our lives until the day we die. There is no cure for alcoholism. It is not going away. Relapses likely will occur. It is what it is. We hope to reach out to others by sharing our story and making it our ministry somehow. Gregg early on said, "wouldn't it be great if I could turn all of this bad into something good by helping others." I am so proud of Gregg and of this "high" he has maintained. It is a journey, our journey ~ I chose this man to marry. Thank you Lord for Gregg Glover.